I didn’t think I would ever get here.
Staring at my reflection in a mirror, late to work because I can’t get it right. It being my face. It just never looks the way I want it to.
Every picture I see of myself is a sting—do I really look like that?! That is the crooked nose of a witch! The skin of a pubescent teen! The hair of a middle aged lady! Why is my head so large? And where is my chin? Why are my eyebrows like that?
Lately, it’s been like this every second of the day. I can’t stand the way I look.
It’s becoming a problem.
I’m 20. I’m out of high school. I sit at a desk helping people. I’ve travelled the world. Had my share of great guys. Everything you could ever want, but MY FACE IS UGLY. AND MY LEGS ARE FLABBY. AND MY BOOBS DON’T EXIST.
At the end of the day, it sucks. I could have the best day ever, but still my nose protrudes the rest of me by hefty seconds. And the back of my knees look like they are about to pop out fat. And I’m not even over weight!
I have to ask myself, at the end of the day: why is this so important?! Why must I look a certain way?
I realize that I don’t have an answer. That it’s what the culture wants? That ill be happy if I look like Keira knightley? That I will find the perfect guy if u loose 10 pounds and the perfect job if I get a nose job?
These are ridiculous questions. The answer is no. Nothing about my appearance guarantees anything about my happiness. Because I will always want more. If I finally get my thighs to look like Keira’s, my abs still don’t look like j-lo’s. and my nose isn’t cute like the olsens’. And my lips aren’t as pouty as Daphne’s. and my brows aren’t as bold as Cara’s. And my boobs aren’t as beautiful as January’s…
I will always want more.
So, why can’t I save myself from this miserable cycle of a life of always wanting, to being content. And happy. With what I have.
It’s a journey I want to commit to taking. (I’m not too great at commitment.) but I know it will be hard. And I still want to look descent, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to strive for something I’m not.
When I work out, I’ll be proud of myself. I will applaud change instead of being impatient with the results. And I will focus mostly in being healthy rather than just being skinny.
I want to be confident in how I look because looks aren’t the most important thing! I want to be confident enough to keep my appearance from hindering my life. Just confident enough in my own skin to take on the world with no timidity.
Please, take this mindset with me. No more misery or angst, just striving to be more able!
I think that’s worth it.
I will need reminding at times for both consolation and motivation. But here goes nothing!